Talking to Young Children About War and Conflict
My plan for today was to sit down with a lovely cup of coffee and write the second post in the series on ethnically raising a spiritual child (you can read the first here). But between my colitis acting up and Russia invading Ukraine, I thought it’s best to use this time to talk about parenting during war. And if that sentence didn’t make us stop and think about our lives, nothing will. This is outside the normal scope of my website; however, it is not outside the normal scope of my work, experience or expertise. One of my most popular posts off all time was Discussing Ancestors and Death with Children and sadly, this is along a similar line.
I am aiming this knowledge mostly at young children, that being my expertise.
Since late 2019, even the most walled and sheltered families have been forced to expose their children to issues that typically have been considered “not for children.” And let’s face it, it’s been over 2 years… a lot of children have been born and are in their prime educational age now. Between pandemic, riots, shortages, fighting and now all-out war, many parents are past their breaking point with keeping their children safe, happy and comfortable. My advice regarding these issues is the same as regarding death. Don’t hide it from them, explain the reality of the situation in a non-overwhelming way. Not only does this allow the child to develop a healthy relationship with worldly news, it gives them the opportunity to ask questions and understand the situation. If, powers forbid, our children are forced into a situation of war, the foundation of understanding will already be there and make it a little less scary.
Where does a parent start with explaining this situation with Russia and Ukraine without giving their child nightmares?
Three key components are, in my opinion, needed when explaining anything complex, scary or sad to young children: Simplicity, safety and preparedness.
Simplify the situation as best as possible and build up from there based upon the child’s questions. Ensure they understand their level of safety within the given situation; the war between Russia and Ukraine (at the time of writing this, the US and other European countries have not yet gotten involved) is not a threat bomb-wise to the children of America. It is to the children of Ukraine. Don’t complicate your child’s safety by telling them that, living in, say, Kansas, there might be bombs dropping there. Chances are there isn’t going to be bombs dropped on Kansas. There is always a chance of aggression but unless it is likely, these chances don’t need to be brought up — unless asked. IF asked, always answer honestly. For preparedness this ties into safety; being prepared enhances safety. If you live in an area close to the conflict, explain potential evacuation plans, pack a go-bag together as a family. If you do not live near the physical conflict, as most of my readers do not, explain ways the family can be prepared for the ripple effect should the US enter the war, or the ripple effect from already existing sanctions. For example, my family drives across state to visit the grandparents each summer; we may not do that this summer due to gas prices. I have already told my children this, but if we cannot go visit grammy, we will go on a special camping trip.
Be honest and open with children. If they’ve never been exposed to death (again, I encourage you to read the post on death mentioned above) and this conversation might be their first exposure, hold back and say people will be hurt and might not go back to their homes.
It is absolutely okay to let your children know that you are scared. Emotions are healthy and our children, at all ages, seeing us have them lets them know that it is normal. If you are scared, let them know, but be sure to let them know that they are safe and that the family is doing what it can to be prepared. Give them the source and the safety net as well. They WILL have questions. Answer them. Set this time aside for the children to process what, for many, will be the first major event of their lives. This is to generation alpha what 9/11 was to generation Z or even millennials. It has the potential to pitter out or grow into a major world war.
Here are five things I am doing with my children (ages 4 & 5):
1) I have been explaining that the food shortages and price increases are part of a pandemic-caused famine. And yes, we’ve talked about the pandemic from the beginning and the lives lost due to it. Now strictly speaking, the US isn’t in a famine. The official definition of famine is: an extreme scarcity of food or a shortage. We are absolutely in a shortage and the prices have made food much more difficult to obtain, so, textbook speaking, we aren’t in a famine. I do not think we ever will see a true famine but this word best fits the current situation so I use it; if you’re uncomfortable with using that term, don’t. Gas prices are up, food prices are up, energy prices are up and supply is down. My children understand this. The war will cause this to get worse, my children understand this. Explaining to the children that we need to get fewer special items, more creative food and eat what we have because of the famine is a tool in my momma tool belt for preparing them for understanding that their favorite item might not be in store, and if it is, it might be out of the budget now. The war will likely cause this problem to increase. Unless asked, I didn’t bring up how the shortages came or how food is made in stores. I didn’t explain how inflation works (and depending on the age, that might be a good conversation to have, just not at 4). I kept it simple; the pandemic killed a lot of people, made a lot of people feel unsafe and there are not enough people working to make the items in the stores. Simplicity. I also explain this is why we are doubling our garden this year and I’ve shown my children our garden plans. This provides safety and preparedness. We will have food; it just might not be our favorites. Every day at dinner we take turns saying what we’re thankful for. Either my husband and or myself will say we are thankful we have food because not all of our neighbors do. So, if and when shortages and prices get worse, my children will be mentally prepared. I’d encourage all parents to do this.
2) We have watched the news together as a family. My children have been exposed to death, it’s not something we’ve sheltered them from. (A third time, see the above post on this). If your children have not been exposed to death, I do not recommend this. I started out by sitting them down earlier this week and explained 9/11 on very simple terms: “Very angry men stole airplanes and drove them into tall buildings in New York. That made the buildings fall and a lot of people died. This was in the past, a long time ago. It is not today; you are safe but I want you to see what it was like.” We watched some video of the World Trade Center falling, evacuations and news reports. Less than 15 minutes worth of video and I answered their questions. Then I showed them the bombings at the start of the war in Iraq, also telling them this was in the past and that they are safe. We talked about what IS an explosion and they got interested in the science of it. This morning we watched live news which showed the footage of Kyiv Ukraine being bombed. I did explain this is now, this was today, but it was on another continent. That it is dangerous but we are safe from those bombs. They understand the situation in a safe manner. My daughter said if we had to evacuate, she would load her wagon up with her clothes; she understands the concept — if, powers forbid, we should need to experience that. She is prepared mentally as best as a five-year-old can be.
3) I cried. I am not an exceptionally moved-by-events person, but explaining war to my children has brought up the tears in me and that is healthy. That is normal. Explaining 9/11 to my children, I cried. I told them it made me feel sad because I don’t want this world to hurt. I don’t want mommies to die and not pick their children up from school. I don’t want their children to wonder where their mommy went. My kids gave me cuddles and snuggles on the couch while the newsreel played. This let them see emotion isn’t shameful. If mommy does it, it’s okay. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad. If you take nothing else away from anything I ever write, please let it be this: do not hold back emotion (except rage) from your child(ren). Let them see you laugh, cry, mourn, dance with joy and let them see a healthy aspect of anger.
4) I am including my children in our expectation for prices to continue to rise. Like I said, we are doubling our garden, something we didn’t have before last year. We are working on making sure lights are only on when needed, not wasting food, and we are starting small space composting. A lot of sustainability to ensure we can afford some comforts of life should this get really bad. Having green beans in the garden when they might be four dollars a can is helpful. We also share what we have with family and friends and explain why that is so vital. I’ve walked them through the grocery store and showed them how many minutes/hours daddy has to work to afford items and that it’s okay to spend the money, but there are only so many hours daddy CAN work. These are healthy things wartime or not, but this is our method of preparedness and what is applicable today. Other methods might mean preparing go-bags for evacuation, knowing where they will evacuate to, learning addresses in case of separation. Find what your family needs to be prepared and do it WITH the kids. Let them be informed rather than guessing.
5) I compared it to Encanto. If you’re a parent and haven’t seen Encanto, please email me so I can send you a trophy. (Disclaimer, I have no trophies.) SPOILER ALERT! One of the points of the movie is that the magical home is destroyed by negative family relationships. The cracks form when the family fights or exclude one another, and the cracks are repaired when the family mends their issues. This world is our home. Earth is the home of all humans, animals, insects… all beings. Even the rocks live here and when we fight, it hurts our home. Our home, our earth, is hurting when war breaks out. Physically and spiritually. And like with Encanto, when the family (us beings) fight, it might destroy the home. No matter what, it is our responsibility to our living breathing home… to do our best to fix it. Right now the family members of Russia and Ukraine are fighting and it’s putting cracks into earth, into our shared casita. Earth cannot break apart like casita does in the movie, but she can break. And just like Encanto, she can be healed and built back up, but only through us coming together and understanding our differences and different perspectives. This is a theme I try very much to put into every conflict within our family. Everyone has their perspective and their perspective IS true even if they are in conflict. No one is nessicarily wrong in their perspective, only in their actions from their perspective. This lesson will be easier with older children.
Don’t scare the children with unlikely maybes; Kansas has a 0.000000000001% chance of being bombed (not fact-checked) so don’t tell your children that they might have to evacuate unless you truly believe there is a good chance of it. IF you’re not making plans to evacuate, you don’t believe there is a good chance.
Do be honest with them.
Do not scare the children without some form of safety net.
Do let them know that you’re doing your best to ensure the safety of the entire family, in whatever way that looks like for you.
This might be your child’s first major conflict in the world, it might be their fifth or more. It’s always difficult. Us adults sometimes find it difficult. Expect questions, expect emotions and be patient. This is one of those times where we as parents need to set time aside for our children and their mental and emotional processing of the world around them. The dishes can wait until later. ❤